[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
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Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
mom had nothing to worry about
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators