Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
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Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there