If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
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Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
me doing my best
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
The two types of wives
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
(Electricians.)
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.