Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
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Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.