WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
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Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
*lint rolls you awake*
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
would Medusa wear a hat
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