My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
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ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped