I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
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Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.