The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
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interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.