NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
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My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image