I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
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Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Lucky old June.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
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