recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
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FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions