Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
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its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
john wicks are toilet candles
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.