7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
You Might Also Like
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew