idk flipping houses looks really hard
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When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Very good news from my accountant
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?