Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five