My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
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Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
no!! no!!!!!!
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?