wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
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For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
every college guy’s fridge
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try