I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
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this post was so formative to me
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed