My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
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I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
everyone’s a critic
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
WHY would you be happy about this?
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Someone just threatened to call me later