No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
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[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫