Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
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[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
this came to me in a vision
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.