CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
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Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
lol
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.