I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
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some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Straight people are cancelled
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.