I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
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I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there