Need this in my life lol
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The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
forgive me baja for i have blast
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
When your man makes a valid point
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…