my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
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me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Never go to sleep after making me angry
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?