I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
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My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
oh you wanna fight?!
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid