Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I falcon love using swear birds
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
im 7 sauces long
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?