me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
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a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
mmm onion ringos
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.