What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
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Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.