Customize Your Wedding.
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Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
broke down and did it
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?