Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
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Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
X-tra spooky blend
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.