*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
You Might Also Like
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh