Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
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There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.