I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
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*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
the council will decide your fate
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I like crazy people until they notice me
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
felt cute might bury dad later idk
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!