I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
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the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Why I divorced her.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”