Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
The real reason evolution started..😂
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
How about daylight saves us for once
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?