My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
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I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Saturday