“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
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I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”