Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
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If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”