dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
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Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
CRYING
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
this makes me so uncomfortable
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
this is literally a CIA plant
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Black Friday “markdowns” like
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys