Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
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[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Why are bridges so flammable.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”