Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
You Might Also Like
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Get off my horse you stupid moon