Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
You Might Also Like
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*