Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
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“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
what’s really going on
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”