I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
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HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.