Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
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[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Found my door mat
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.