In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
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I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.