Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
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I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
what’s more important?
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?