Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
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There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.